Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
 
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
 
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
 
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.

Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
 
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
 
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
 
Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

Musician Jokes
 
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
 
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
 
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
 
 Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
 
Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
 
 Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
 
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
A: You can tune a chainsaw.
 
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
 
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
Friend: "I hope so."
 
Q: What do you call a hundred conductors at the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A good start.
 
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
 
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead

A pastor was was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out.

She said "Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady,

"I've been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last."

Three young boys were walking on the sidewalk arguing over whose daddy was the greatest.

One said, "My dad is the greatest because he is the president of the town bank."

The second boy said, "That is pretty good, but my daddy owns two grocery stores in town!"

The third boy said, "That's nothing, my dad is a preacher, and he owns hell. He came home last night and told my mom that the Church Board gave it to him!"

As it was coming up to Christmas a young boy is praying upstairs while his mother sits by him and his dad and grandma are downstairs.

He prays "Lord I pray for a train set, a remote control car, and A NEW BICYCLE!!!

"You don't have to shout dear", says the mother "God's not deaf."

"I know" said the little boy, "but grandma is."

Have you heard about the new shampoo for men who are going bald..

It's called "What's the Point?"

An American and an Irishman were enjoying a ride in the country when they came upon an unusual sight - an old gallows.

The American thought he would have a joke on his Irish companion.

"You see that?" he said to the Irishman, pointing to the gallows.

"And now where would you be if the gallows had its due?"

"Riding alone," coolly replied Paddy.

Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough."

Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"

As Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment, a bystander said,

"Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"

"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him.

Did you hear NASA wanted to study the effects of the moon on an aging individual, so they decided to resend Armstrong.

Unfortunately, they canceled this because they were afraid the first words from the moon in 30 years would be:

"Houston? I have fallen, and I can't get up."

What are alien's favorite sweets?
Martian-mallows!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant,

nor ham in hamburger;

neither apple or pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that...

quicksand can work slowly,

boxing rings are square,

and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

According to a news report, a certain private school in Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators.

A Glasgow senior citizen drove his brand new BMW convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew along the M8, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph, then 130mph, then 140mph. Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!'

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited 10 minutes for the police car to catch up with him. Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said,

'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

Word Games

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

TEACHER: Jennifer, go to the map and find North America.
JENNIFER: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Jennifer

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'.
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

IF TOMMY COOPER WAS ALIVE TODAY.....

I met this bloke with a didgeridooand he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood.' I said, 'Where is he then?'

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened.. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar'. I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin'.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast?

Why does grass grow where you do not want it and not grow where you do?

Why do we say we slept like a baby when they wake up every two hours?

Why do we pay to get to the top of tall buildings, then pay to use binoculars to look at things on the ground?

 The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you, at 85 years old, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have to walk early in the morning... before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise,' I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs but, fortunately, my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so, when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good, doesn't he?'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

'Disregard,' he says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.

Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,

'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started.....

Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful.

After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”

A man died and went to Heaven's gates. An angel said to him....

“We’ve looked over your life, and we’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything good you did that might help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied...

“Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive. When did this happen?” said the angel.

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

You are dark and handsome. When it’s dark, you are handsome.

You are not totally useless.

You can be used as a bad example!

" I SOUPORT PUBLIK EDEKASION "

Man – Is this seat next to you empty?

Woman – Yes, and mine will be too if you sit down.

Question... What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Answer... Start off with a big one!

Two Irish men were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it. Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?

If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.

A lady came in for a routine physical at the Doctor’s office.

“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The Doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

“Thanks!" she said, "But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”

Always remember.... you’re unique....

just like everyone else.

A housewife called up a pet store and said, “Send me a thousand cockroaches at once!”

“What in the world do you want with a thousand cockroaches?” asked the clerk.

“Well,” replied the woman, “I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found it.”