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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote... "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead". A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters? "Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill." "Hello, And Welcome"........ If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All
operators are too busy to talk to you." "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." "Oh! that's no reason. Come on, you have to go to school." "Give me two good reasons why I should go to school?" "One, you are fifty-two years old. Two, you are the principal !" In a Podiatrist's office: At a Tyre Retailer: At a Towing company: On a Maternity Room door: On a Fence: In a Veterinarian's waiting room: In the front yard of a Funeral Home: actual call centre conversations : Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'. Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'. Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'. Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?' Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'. Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?' Caller(enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France): 'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?' Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'. Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?' Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'. Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?' Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '. Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'. Customer: 'OK'. Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?' Customer: 'No'. Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu? 'Customer: 'No'. Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'. Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'. Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?' Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again? There's always one. This has
got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy
should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word
Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the
customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was
fired; however, he is currently suing the Word Perfect organization
for 'Termination without Cause'. Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?' Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.' Operator: 'What sort of trouble?' Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.' Operator: 'Went away?' Caller: 'They disappeared.' Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?' Caller: 'Nothing.' Operator: 'Nothing?' Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.' Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?' Caller: 'How do I tell?' Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?' Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?' Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen? Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.' Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?' Caller: 'What's a monitor?' Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?' Caller: 'I don't know.' Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?' Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall. Caller: 'Yes, it is.' Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? Caller: 'No. Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.' Caller: 'Okay, here it is.' Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' Caller: 'I can't reach.' Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?' Caller: 'No.' Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?' Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.' Operator: 'Dark?' Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.' Caller: 'I can't.' Operator: 'No? Why not?' Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.' Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?' Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.' Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.' Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?' Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.' Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?' Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!! True....... When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper. A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out. During a visit to the psychiatric ward, the medical student asked the Doctor.. "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?" "Well," said the Doctor, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub." "No" said the Doctor, "A normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?" If you need a good laugh, try reading through these
children's science exam answers......... Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? Q: What are steroids? Q: What happens to your body as you age? Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g. abdomen) Q: What is the fibula? Q: What does "varicose" mean? Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." Q: What does the word "benign" mean? The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and tests were done there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, an FBI agent took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"... said the agent. The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.Shots were heard, one after another. Then there was screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "What on earth happened in there?" asked the FBI agent. "This stupid gun is loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?' The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time... GOD is missing, and they think we did it!' Some people are like a Slinky ...
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located amongst millions of cows, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration? A woman called the poison control centre, upset because her little daughter had eaten some ants. The person at poison control assured her that ants were not dangerous and that her little girl would be fine. The mother was relieved, then (fortunately) mentioned that she had given her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. She was told to get to the emergency room as quickly as possible.
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast? A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer. "I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act." "Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer. So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully. A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!" Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Corduroy pillows are making headlines. Every morning is the dawn of a new error. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. Reading while sunbathing makes you well, red. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet. The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?" "That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground." After pondering his answer, she asked... "What happens if there's no one there I know?" Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him. "You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?" "What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself. "I think you're bad luck." A driver was speeding and was unknowingly caught in a speed trap that measured his speed with radar and photographed his car. In the mail, he later received a ticket for $100, along with a photograph of his car. He sent the ticket back with a photograph of a $100 bill. He then received a letter from the police department with a photograph of handcuffs. He paid the ticket.
WISE SAYINGS Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. Why do psychics have to ask you your name? What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Young Johnny moved to the country and bought a horse from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.' Johnny replied, 'Well, then, just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Johnny said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him? Johnny said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!' Johnny said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Johnny and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?' Johnny said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Johnny said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.' (John grew up and now works for the government.)
What did the father buffalo say to the son buffalo when he left for
school?
Why didn't the elephant like to play cards in the jungle?
What do donkeys send out near Christmas?
What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer. "Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his
money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his
bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to
put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months. Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!" Lawyer: "You're right.....mine." There was this lawyer who drove his shiny new Lexus to work one day. He parked it right down in front of the firm where he worked to show it off to all his lawyer buddies. As he got out, this truck side-swiped the door and ripped it right off. The driver stopped and ran to the lawyer saying "Are you alright, are you alright?" The lawyer, now furious, started to scream and berate the driver. "What the heck do you think you are doing? This is my brand new Lexus...Ya know I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you for all you are worth!" Then a policeman ran up to the scene and said to the lawyer, "Calm down! You lawyers are so materialistic it's disgusting! Don't you know, when that truck ripped your door off, it took your arm with it?" The lawyer looked down and saw his left arm missing and said "Oh No!, . . . my ROLEX!" "Hey Grandpa!, can you make a noise like a frog?" "I think I can do that. Why?" "Coz Dad says when you croak, we're going to Disneyworld"
QUOTES A Queensland (Aussie State) jackeroo (cowboy) is overseeing his herd in remote territory when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a designer suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?' The jackaroo looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects
it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man
then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.' 'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says the Cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?' The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, 'Okay, why not?' 'You work for the Australian Government', says the Jackeroo. 'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?' 'No guessing required.' answered the jackeroo. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used all kinds of expensive equipment that clearly somebody else paid for, you tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows .. this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.'
THINGS TO PONDER.... Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? The statistics on sanity reveal that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
Aren't kids great? They say what's on their minds and what makes perfect
sense to them. And we adults get to enjoy it. Here are the answers some
elementary school children gave to these questions about their mothers. A social worker from Ohio who was recently transferred to the mountains of North Georgia, was on the first tour of his new territory when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door. 'Anybody home?' he asked. 'Yep,' came a kid's voice through the door. 'Is your father there?' asked the social worker. 'Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,' said the kid. 'Well, is your mother there?' persisted the social worker. 'Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,' said the kid. 'But,' protested the social worker, 'are you never together as a family? ''Sure, but not here,' said the kid through the door. 'This is the outhouse!' These are actual quotes of what people said in court, word for word:
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo?
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? You've heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" WISDOM
Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a
laxative on the same night. A boss asked one of his employees, "Do you believe in life after death?" "Yes, sir," replied the new employee. "I thought you would," said the boss. "Yesterday after you left to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!" The prospective son-in-law was asked by his girl friend's father, "Son, can you support a family?" "Well, no, sir," he replied. "I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you have to fend for yourselves." My five year old son squealed with delight when he opened his birthday present from his grandmother. It was a water pistol. He promptly ran to the sink to fill it. "Mom," I said. I'm surprised at you. "Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols?" My mom smiled and said, "Yes, I remember." Rajiv and Priya are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, ” Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.” Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later, Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, “Priya, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?” “No, sweetheart” she responds. Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Priya, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?” “Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says. “One last thing, Priya. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?” he asks. “Oh, forgive me, Rajiv,” begged Priya. “I didn’t send that one, either.” Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Priya pulls away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?” Rajiv answers, “They’ll find us!” Customer : “How much is that banana?” Salesperson : “$1.00″ Customer : “Can you sell it to me for 60 cents?” Salesperson : “At that rate, you’ll only get the banana peel!” Customer : “Okay… I’ll buy the banana for 40 cents, but you can keep the peel!” A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.” When the lady returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?” The lady nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” “From hunger, you mean?” said the doctor. “No, from skipping,” replied the lady. A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. “What was that for?”, the man asked. The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket”. The man said, “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.” The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again. She replied “Your horse just phoned you“.
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
TV HOST: For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope
TV HOST: What was Gandhi's first name?
TV HOST: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about
pensioners: Last Of The..?
TV HOST: What's 11 squared?
TV HOST: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
TV HOST: What is the world's largest continent?
TV HOST: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and
Israel last?
TV HOST: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can
fall asleep at any time?
Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become.....
Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge
and become....
FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become......
Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become....
Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become.... Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters. 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy' 'Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank heavens,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay'. A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly,her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' Word Games Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on |
click HERE for 'not so funny' stuff
